I think October is very similar to February. Not in temperature, not really, one still holds onto the last warm afternoons while the other gives up entirely and lets the cold have its way. But in missing you, they are the same. In October I miss you the way you miss summer, a little in denial, pretending the season hasn’t really turned. In February I miss you the way you miss anything that’s been gone too long, plainly, without pretending at all.
I think about winter a lot when I think about you. How it asks you to slow down. How it makes you want someone to share a blanket with, not because you’re cold exactly, but because the cold makes you aware of all the places you’re empty. You used to fill those places without even trying. Now the cold comes and I notice every one of them.
I miss the small things most. I miss wanting to eat an orange with you, pulling it apart slow on a Sunday, handing you the pieces I already know you’ll steal anyway. I miss the way you always dug the biscoff out of the cake first, saving it for last, which never made sense to me, saving the best part only to eat it alone at the end. I used to tease you about that. Now I’d give anything to watch you do it one more time.
Love, I think, isn’t loud in October or February. It’s quiet in both. It’s a hand you keep reaching for out of habit before remembering. It’s a coat that still smells like someone even after they’ve stopped wearing it around you. Winter doesn’t rush grief, and neither does missing you. It just sits there, patient, snowing a little more each day you don’t come home.
People think February is the coldest because of the number on the thermometer. I think it’s the coldest because it’s furthest from summer, furthest from the version of us that existed in warm light and open windows. October is the beginning of that distance. February is the middle of it. And I am stuck somewhere between the two, missing you the way you miss a season you can still half remember the smell of.
If you came back in October, I’d want to eat an orange with you on the porch and pretend the cold wasn’t coming. If you came back in February, I’d want to make you a cake just so I could watch you dig out all the biscoff first, laughing at you the way I used to, loving you the way I never stopped.
I think October is very similar to February. I miss you dearly in both. I think I will keep missing you in every season that isn’t the one you were still here for.
the politics of deservingness and the moral regulation of poetry
There is an unspoken entry fee at the door of contemporary poetry, and it is paid in suffering. Open a literary magazine, scroll a poetry Instagram account, sit through a university workshop, and you will notice the pattern quickly: the poems that get anthologized, awarded, and shared are disproportionately poems of wounding. Poems about a father’s violence. Poems about a body’s illness. Poems about war, displacement, grief, addiction, abuse. Joy, when it appears, tends to arrive heavily qualified, undercut by irony, or framed as something stolen briefly from an otherwise grim ledger.
I want to ask a blunt question: why does a poem so often need to prove it has suffered before we grant it our attention?
The credentialing of pain
Think about how we talk about “important” poems. We use words like raw, unflinching, urgent, necessary. These words do double duty. They describe craft, yes, but they also function as credentials, evidence that the poet has earned the right to speak by having survived something. A poem about heartbreak that stays in the register of longing is “slight.” A poem about heartbreak that includes a psychiatric ward is “essential.”
Consider how differently we receive these two stances toward loss. First, restraint:
I do not love you as if you were a rose of salt, topaz, or arrow of carnations that propagate fire
That is Neruda, and it survives in translation as tenderness without wreckage. Compare the register we now expect from “serious” grief poetry, closer to Sharon Olds:
I see him standing at the formica counter, with a bag of Wonder Bread, making his lunch, pulling the bread out of the wrapper
Olds is a great poet, and this quiet domestic image is doing real work, building toward devastation. But notice what our culture has trained us to expect: the domestic detail must eventually detonate. A poem that lingers in the Wonder Bread without ever cutting to the wound would, in most workshops, be told it “doesn’t earn its ending.”
Deservingness as a moral category, not an aesthetic one
This is where I think the real issue lives. We have imported into poetry a logic that properly belongs to welfare policy and courtroom sentencing: the logic of deservingness. In social policy, deservingness theory explains why some people in need receive sympathy and resources while others do not. Scholars like Joe Soss and others have shown that a “deserving” recipient of aid is coded as blameless, suffering through no fault of their own, and ideally visibly suffering, so that their need is legible at a glance.
Poetry has absorbed the same architecture. A poem “deserves” its space in the anthology if the suffering behind it is visible, legible, and attributable to something the poet did not choose: a diagnosis, a genocide, a parent’s failure. A poem about mild boredom, mild contentment, or a Tuesday that was simply fine, has no claim on our moral attention because it has not demonstrated need.
You can see the demand for legible wounding even in poems that resist it, like Lucille Clifton’s:
won’t you celebrate with me what i have shaped into a kind of life? i had no model.
Even here, celebration is only granted permission because it is framed against a background of having had no model, of having come through. Joy is legitimated retroactively, as survival’s dividend, not as a thing that might simply exist on its own terms.
The whiteness, and not-whiteness, of who gets to be light
There is also a racialized and gendered dimension to this that deserves naming directly. Poets from marginalized communities are frequently expected, by editors, by prize committees, by the market itself, to write the wound. A Black poet writing about police violence will find doors open in a way that a Black poet writing a quiet pastoral about tending tomatoes will not. This is its own form of moral regulation: it tells poets from certain backgrounds that their literary value is contingent on performing legible, extractable trauma for an audience that consumes it as testimony.
Ross Gay has written directly against this expectation, insisting on delight as a discipline:
and though this book is called catalog of unabashed gratitude it is really a mash note to delight
Gay’s whole project in The Book of Delights is a quiet insurgency against the idea that seriousness requires suffering. He has spoken about how often people ask him, gently but persistently, when he’ll write the “harder” book, as though delight were the warm-up act before the real poem.
What we lose
When we make suffering a precondition for poetic legitimacy, we lose several things at once.
We lose the poems that could honor ordinary contentment, the ones that might have said something true about a life that was, on balance, fine, which is to say most lives, most of the time. We lose the poets who do not want to convert their private pain into public currency, and who therefore stop writing, or write in silence, because the market has told them plainness is not enough.
We also, perversely, cheapen suffering itself. When trauma becomes a genre convention, a checkbox that signals literary seriousness, it stops functioning as testimony and starts functioning as aesthetic wallpaper. Consider Wisława Szymborska’s cooler, more skeptical eye on this exact temptation:
Whatever I say can be contradicted at any moment by evidence I haven’t seen.
Szymborska’s poetry is often about resisting the neat moral packaging of experience, including the packaging of suffering into something legible and prize worthy. Her irony is a rebuke to the idea that a poem must announce its wound to be taken seriously.
Toward a different economy of attention
I am not arguing that poems about pain are illegitimate or that we should stop reading them. Some of the poems I love most in the world are unflinching accounts of harm, and that unflinching quality is precisely their gift. What I am questioning is the structural requirement, the sense that a poem must present a receipt of suffering before it is allowed to matter, before an editor will publish it, before a reader will sit still for it.
What would it look like to read a poem about an ordinary afternoon with the same attention we give a poem about a hospital room? What would it mean to let a poem about simple, uncomplicated love stand next to a poem about abandonment, and to resist the reflex that tells us only one of them is doing real work?
Maybe it would look like reading Mary Oliver’s small, stubborn insistence:
Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?
A question that asks nothing of us except attention, offers no wound as collateral, and still, somehow, has never stopped mattering.
the white rose at the florist’s shop reminded me of Her,
not the rose’s whiteness exactly, but the way it held itself upright in the water, unhurried, as if it had all the time in the world to open. That was Her too. The patience in her hands when she braided her hair, the quiet certainty in how she said my name, like she’d practiced it long before we ever met.
I stood at the glass separating me from the flowers and thought: this is what it means to be reminded of someone by something small. Not a photograph, not a song on the radio, but a rose, ordinary, sold by the dozen, that somehow carried her whole weather inside it.
I bought one. I don’t know why, except that loving her has taught me to collect evidence of tenderness wherever I find it, to press proof of her into my pockets like a boy saving ticket stubs. Maybe I believed that if I carried the white rose home, I would be carrying a small, portable version of her, enough softness to get me through until I saw her again.
On the walk back, the petals kept their color against the grey evening, stubborn and bright, the way she is stubborn and bright, the way she has always insisted on blooming even in seasons that gave her every reason not to.
I am in love in the unglamorous, everyday way. In the way a flower shop window can undo me, in the way an ordinary Tuesday becomes unbearably tender the moment I remember there is a person in this world who makes white roses look like her handwriting.
Tonight I’ll give her the rose. I’ll tell her the small, embarrassing truth, that beauty, wherever I meet it now, has her name folded somewhere inside it.
I will write a book about you. And when I do, I’ll describe your lips as roses.
Not because they are red. Not because they are soft. But because every time they part to speak, something inside me blooms and bleeds at the same time.
I do not think people understand what it means to meet someone and immediately feel your loneliness shift shape.
Before you, love felt performative to me. Like something people exaggerated in songs because reality could never possibly hold that much feeling. Then you arrived with your tired eyes and your terrifying kindness and suddenly every love poem started sounding less embarrassing.
You do not walk into a room like thunder. You arrive quietly. But somehow, after you leave, everything feels louder. The silence grows teeth. Even my happiest moments pause for a second and look around for you.
I have memorized impossible things about you.
The way your voice changes when you are exhausted. The way you pretend to be okay by speaking softer. The way your eyes avoid mine whenever you are overwhelmed because you are afraid of being seen too deeply. But I see you anyway. God, I see you in ways that ruin me.
There are nights I lie awake thinking about the fact that your heart is currently beating somewhere in this world while mine is trying desperately to survive the distance between us.
And maybe that is love.
Maybe love is not grand gestures or perfect timing. Maybe it is just this unbearable tenderness. This constant ache. This feeling of carrying someone in your chest everywhere you go like a wound you protect instead of heal.
I want to know every version of you.
The one who laughs too hard. The one who cries in silence. The one who overthinks texts after sending them. The one who needs reassurance but hates asking for it. The one who feels unlovable on certain evenings for reasons even she cannot explain.
I want to sit beside all your storms without asking them to end.
Because you are not beautiful despite your sadness. You are beautiful because you continue to love gently in a world that has not always been gentle with you.
And I swear, there are moments when I look at you and forget every language I know. Because how is a person supposed to speak normally after witnessing something that feels heaven sent?
You have no idea what your existence does to people like me.
People who were surviving just fine until someone like you made survival feel too small a word.
So one day, when the world has exhausted us both and time has turned our memories golden, I will sit down and write about you properly. About your eyes. Your soul. Your terrifying softness. The way being loved by you feels like standing in sunlight after years of cold.
I will write a book about you. And when I do, I will describe you as divine.
Love is not loud when it is real. It sits beside you and reaches for the smaller things.
“For you, I would” is not a promise shouted into the sky. It is the quiet decision to wake up five minutes earlier just to boil water the way you like it. It is standing in the kitchen, making coffee you will not drink, and still checking the fridge for milk because you remember she never liked it bitter. It is muscle memory learning someone else’s comfort.
There is something almost sacred about the ordinary sacrifices we never announce. Not the kind that make stories. The kind that live and die in a single day. Washing the cup twice because she once said she could still smell soap. Walking on the side of the road where the traffic is heavier. Letting the last piece of something stay on the plate because you know she will come back for it.
“For you, I would” is not about changing the world. It is about adjusting your grip on it. It is choosing her song in a room full of noise even when you do not understand it. It is sitting through silences that are not yours to fill. It is learning the weight of her bad days and carrying it like it belongs to you without asking for credit. It is knowing exactly when to speak and choosing not to.
And the strangest part is how natural it feels. How you do not keep count. How you do not wait for it to be returned. Because somewhere along the way, it stops being about deserving and becomes about wanting.
For you, I would is the softest form of surrender. It is not losing yourself. It is finding a version of yourself that only exists in the presence of someone else. A quieter version. A kinder one. The kind that notices things you never thought mattered. The kind that learns patience not from books or borrowed wisdom, but from standing in front of someone and choosing them again in ways so small no one else would ever see. And maybe that is the most intimate thing we ever do. Not the grand gestures. Not the confessions that echo.
But the unnoticed ways we bend our days around someone. The way our habits change shape without asking us. The way “I” slowly starts making room for “you” without making a sound.
Because love, when it is honest, does not arrive as a declaration.
It arrives as a sentence you live quietly. For you, I would.
I would rather have fingerprints pressed into my ribcage than carry a heart that has never been touched at all. Not a gentle touch. Not the kind that asks permission and leaves no trace. I mean the kind that grips, that leaves the outline of someone else on the inside of you, the kind that does not fade even when everything else does. The kind you can feel when you lie on your back at night and there is nothing left to distract you from yourself.
Because at least then I know something reached me.
There are mornings now where I get up to make coffee the way I have always liked it. Black. Bitter. Honest. And still, without thinking, my hand hesitates near the milk. Not because I want it. But because she did. Because somewhere in the muscle memory of loving her, I became someone who checked. And it is humiliating in a quiet, private way. Standing there, half awake, realizing that even my habits have been rewritten by someone who is no longer here to witness them. That is what people call damage. That is what I call proof.
We have been lied to about heartbreak. Made to believe it is something to avoid, something that weakens us, something that leaves us lesser than we were before. But heartbreak is not rot. It is exposure. It is the skin being peeled back so you can finally see the structure underneath. It is ugly sometimes. It is inconvenient. It ruins your appetite and your sleep and your ability to move through a day without being ambushed by a memory that does not ask for your permission. But it is honest. More honest than the sterile, untouched version of yourself that existed before.
People talk about moving on like it is work. Like it is something you must drag across a finish line. But moving on is not a task. It is a side effect. It is what happens when time keeps going and you have no choice but to keep existing inside it. It is not heroic. It is not graceful. It is brushing your teeth with a chest that still aches. It is laughing at something and then hating yourself for forgetting, even for a second, that you were supposed to be broken. It is realizing one day that the pain has not left, it has just learned how to sit quietly in a corner without interrupting everything. And somehow, that is enough.
I would choose this every time. This ruin. This reshaping. Over the alternative of being untouched. Because an untouched heart is not a safe one. It is an untested one. It is a room that has never had anyone walk through it, and so it does not know what it means to hold footsteps, to echo with laughter, to collapse under silence. It is clean, yes. But it is also empty in a way that cannot be romanticized.
The truth is, the greatest philosophies do not come from books or films or ancient words carved into something meant to outlast us. They come from the moment you realize you are not who you were before someone loved you. Or before someone left. They come from standing in your own life and recognizing a version of yourself that did not exist until you were forced to become it. No text can teach you the exact way your chest tightens when a memory hits at the wrong time. No lecture can explain the quiet strength it takes to keep going when everything in you wants to stay where it ended. That knowledge is earned. Brutally. Intimately. It is written into you, not read.
And it is beautiful.
Not in a soft way. Not in a way that makes you feel safe. But in the way a scar is beautiful. In the way something broken and rebuilt carries a kind of truth that untouched things never will.
So yes, I will take the fingerprints. I will take the habits that no longer make sense, the reflex to reach for someone who is not there, the way certain songs feel like they were written specifically to ruin me. I will take the long way around healing, the nights that stretch, the mornings that feel heavier than they should.
Because all of it means I lived something real.
And I would rather be someone who has been altered by love, even if it left, than someone who remained perfectly intact and never knew what it meant to be changed at all.
So, go out there and love without fear of being broken. Because once you experience love, there’s nothing more powerful than that feeling. You will not be vulnerable, but you’ll definitely discover yourself.
There are people who arrive quietly and still rearrange the furniture of your chest.
Her eyes are the kind of blue that don’t ask for attention, they simply stay, like a thought you return to when the room goes silent.
Her skin holds light gently, not the way mirrors do, but the way mornings do when they forgive you for yesterday.
Her hair moves as if it remembers the wind long after it’s gone, and her neck carries a softness that makes distance feel unnecessary.
I don’t know when liking became gravity, but suddenly I lean toward the idea of her without meaning to. Some feelings don’t announce themselves, they just sit beside you and feel right.
If this is not love yet, it is something honest learning how to breathe.
And if it is love, then it’s the quiet kind, the kind you protect by not naming it too soon.
Step into the world of Typewronger Books, a charming bookshop in Edinburgh that does so much more than simply sell books. From its humble beginnings in 2017, when founder T began selling books out of a police telephone box on Leith Walk, Typewronger has grown into an essential creative hub for writers, readers, and artists alike. In 2018, the shop opened its doors full-time, and since then, it’s been a place where stories come to life and imagination knows no bounds. This is more than a bookshop—it’s a sanctuary for anyone seeking to connect with words in their purest form.
In this episode, we dive deep into the heart of this special place, exploring the community-driven spirit that makes Typewronger truly unique. With a strong focus on poetry, open mic nights, and zine-making workshops, this shop has nurtured the creative souls of Edinburgh. You can join in on the fun by attending monthly open mic nights, where poetry, comedy, music, and short stories take center stage. If you’re feeling adventurous, why not participate in one of their resograph zine-making workshops, hosted at their studio in Meadowbank? It’s all about making and sharing—creativity thrives here.
But the magic doesn’t stop there. Typewronger Books is also home to a typewriter, and it’s not just for decoration. You’re invited to use it to write a letter, note, or poem. Afterward, the wonderful founder of the shop will help you send it off, or you can take it home as a personal memento. It’s all about expressing yourself, letting the words flow, and feeling a true connection with the community.
If you’re in Edinburgh, visit this late-night haven, where the doors are open from 11 AM to 9 PM. Read, write, and find a sense of belonging in this beautiful space that encourages all forms of expression. Remember, every book read should be followed by something you create. Write more, express more, and keep the stories flowing. 📚✍️
Support your local independent bookstore. Write more, live more, and let your creativity soar.
I met her by accident, the kind that feels scripted only after it’s already gone.
We were standing inside the Bedlam Theatre, pretending to listen, pretending to be strangers who weren’t about to collide into something irreversible. Old walls, tired wood, stories echoing where footsteps once mattered. And then there she was, leaning slightly forward, like she belonged to curiosity more than certainty.
She had that kind of light on her face that doesn’t try to be beautiful. It just is. Skin catching the day softly, as if the sun had learned restraint for her. A smile that didn’t ask for attention, but took it anyway, wide, unguarded, the kind that makes the world feel briefly forgiven. Her eyes weren’t loud. They were calm. Honest. The kind that look like they’ve already decided to trust you before you’ve earned it.
There was an ease to her. Shoulders relaxed. Hair tied back, not to impress anyone, but because the day asked for practicality. She looked like someone who laughs easily and leaves quietly. Like someone who belongs to moments, not places.
I fell in love with her there. Not the dramatic kind. The helpless kind. The kind that happens when your heart doesn’t wait for your permission.
We spoke. Briefly. Casually. As if our voices were aware of the lie we were telling ourselves, that this was just another afternoon, another tour, another stranger. I remember thinking how unfair it was that she existed so gently in a world that never gives warnings.
And then she left.
An exchange student. Temporary by design. A passing chapter pretending to be a whole book. She didn’t stay long enough for me to be brave. Didn’t stay long enough for me to say goodbye. The word never even made it to my mouth. It stayed lodged somewhere between my ribs and my throat, unfinished, like us.
No closure. No ending. Just absence.
And that’s the confusion of it. Nothing went wrong. Nothing broke. She just left. And my love story remained exactly where it began, unspoken, unfinished, unbearably warm.
Some people arrive like storms. She arrived like sunlight through an old theatre window, beautiful, quiet, and gone before you realize you were standing in it.
I saw her today. Or maybe I didn’t. Maybe it was only the idea of her wearing a familiar face, moving through a very ordinary afternoon, pretending not to undo me.
She was struggling with a grocery bag, too full, cutting into her fingers like it didn’t know how precious it was to be held by her. I remember thinking how strange it is that the world keeps asking her to carry more than she should. I remember wanting to take the bag from her, not because it was heavy, but because loving her always felt like a reflex my body learned before my mind could stop it.
There was this one strand of hair. Just one. It had escaped, like it didn’t belong to the rest of her, like it was trying to tell me something I already knew. It kept falling into her face, soft and annoying and perfectly timed. She tried to shake it away, failed, smiled at her own failure. And God, in that moment, I wanted to be there so badly, not to say anything heroic, not to fix her life, just to slide that strand behind her ear. Just that. Just the smallest intimacy that feels larger than forever.
And that’s how I knew I was in love again. Not loudly. Not dramatically. But quietly, inconveniently, like muscle memory. Like my hands remembered her even when my life had learned to live without her.
It’s confusing how love doesn’t ask for permission. How it returns without explaining where it’s been. How it doesn’t hurt, but it doesn’t heal either. It just exists. Standing across the street. Carrying groceries. Being human.
This isn’t sad. That’s the strange part. It’s tragic in the way sunsets are tragic, because they don’t stay, not because they aren’t beautiful. I don’t mourn her. I don’t chase her. I just love her, again, in this soft, useless, impossible way.
And maybe that’s enough. Maybe love doesn’t always need to be lived. Sometimes it just needs to be noticed.
