• The Geography of Almost

    There are nights I wake up in the middle of a sentence I never started. My tongue remembers a name my mouth refuses to say. I sit at the edge of my bed, elbows to knees, and trace shadows on the floor like they’re maps to a place I never had the courage to go. Sometimes I think love is just muscle memory, your body turning back even when your mind has made peace. Or maybe that’s grief, I’m not sure. The two have started blending like colours in a storm, and I can’t tell whether I’m drowning in longing or being reborn by it.

    There are people you never stop writing letters to, even when they’re not reading. People who haunt your poems not as ghosts, but as punctuation, showing up as commas when you try to move on, ellipses when you almost do, and a question mark every time you think you’ve stopped feeling. I laugh too loud now, like I’m trying to echo into a version of myself that once made someone feel safe. But it’s strange, isn’t it? How safety can feel like a shiver in your spine and danger can feel like coming home. I don’t trust what feels like comfort anymore.

    I think I’ve been chasing the version of love I imagined before I ever knew what it was. Not the kind they sing about or the kind they leave you with in movies, but the kind that sits quietly in your throat when you’re pretending to be fine. The kind that slips out when you overexplain your silence or apologize for being too much. I’ve loved in metaphors and been left in parentheses. I’ve waited in doorways that were never mine to walk through. I’ve been both the echo and the mouth that started it all.

    Someone once told me I romanticize everything about her. But tell me, what else do you do when reality doesn’t fit your heart? I’ve built cities out of glances and entire galaxies out of half-meant sentences, all for her. I’ve survived more on imagined tomorrows than remembered yesterdays.

    I don’t know if I want to be loved or just understood. I don’t know if I’m healing or rehearsing. There’s a difference between moving on and pretending you have. I keep confusing the two.

    So tell me, is this what you call the space in between being a hopeless romantic and a hopeful lover?

    aaditya

  • Oranges and You, Just One Last Time

    I would peel oranges for you, but would you bookmark the page of the book I was reading if I accidentally fall asleep? That’s all I’m asking. Not devotion, not declarations under moonlight or songs on empty balconies. Not the ache of love, but the hum of it, so soft it’s nearly mistaken for silence.

    I mean, I would hold the umbrella slanted toward you, letting my shoulder soak, even though I hate the rain. I would learn the names of the people you only mention once, remember the smell of your shampoo just in case you forget. I would stay up past my thresholds and undo my rituals just to make space for the mess you bring. But I wonder… if the weight of quiet things I do ever echoes in your chest when you breathe in my name?

    Sometimes love is just the sound of a kettle boiling when you didn’t ask for tea. Or noticing the way someone dog-ears their pages and never correcting them. It’s not grand, it’s grazing.

    You see, people write poems about falling, but no one writes about staying. No one tells you how loud the silence is when the page turns without you. Or how the spine of a book bends differently when your hands aren’t the ones touching it.

    I once folded a paper crane and whispered your name into it before letting it drift down a river. I don’t know why, I think I just wanted the water to know too. The current was gentle that day.

    But I guess this is where it all bends inward. Where I stare at your shadow across the room and realize I’ve always given things without receipts.

    I’ve peeled oranges into perfect moons, just so the juice wouldn’t stain your fingers. I’ve watched you laugh at books I’ll never understand, but never asked you to understand why I cried over a single comma.

    Maybe I fear love isn’t mutual, it’s just mirrored. Maybe I keep loving people who are only evernlooking at themselves in the glass I become for them. Still, I’d peel oranges for you, again and again. But, Would you bookmark the page of the book I was reading if I accidentally fall asleep?

    -aaditya

  • And if time’s supposed to heal, why does it ask for more of me every day?

    I spoke to the spaces between words today because they felt more honest than what I’ve become. I keep retracing conversations like they’re constellations, trying to find the shape of what broke us, but maybe it was never one shape; maybe it was a shifting thing, maybe I was the shift. Or maybe silence crept into the cracks I pretended didn’t exist, and I fed it too long, mistaking quiet for peace.

    You once said you liked the rain but hated getting wet, and I laughed like that was a metaphor and not a warning. Now I stand in every storm without an umbrella, thinking maybe this is penance or poetry, or some fusion of both where neither makes sense. I keep thinking of your voice at 2:07 a.m., how it could ask, “Are you okay?” like it had already cradled my answer. Now I only ask myself that in the voice you left behind.

    There are hours I scream internally in Morse, in backwards scripts, in letters never sent and messages unsaid, hoping you catch the wavelength of guilt I broadcast. I don’t even know if it was one thing or many tiny careless ones—like paper cuts from pages I didn’t bother to turn.

    And if time’s supposed to heal, why does it ask for more of me every day? Why do I keep rehearsing apologies in mirrors too tired to reflect anymore? I’m not asking for yesterday; I’m not asking for forgiveness wrapped in neat conclusions. I just want to know, what version of me do I have to tear apart, rebuild, unlearn, and relearn for the path to shift even slightly toward the place where you don’t look away?

    How do I make things right?
    Tell me where to begin.
    Even if I won’t like the answer.

    aaditya

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