• A Thousand First Times

    If only I could tell you, how much I love you

    Falling in love with you has never felt like something I decided. It was more like something that decided me. Like my body already knew how to breathe you in before I even understood what it meant. It is my favourite thing I have ever done and the only thing I will ever want to keep doing. Again and again. Even when the weight of it feels too much. Even when I think I have given everything I have. I would still wake up with the same smile. I would still let myself fall like the first time never ended.

    If tomorrow stripped me of everything I own. If silence was all I had left. I would still choose the ruin of loving you. Because who am I without this hopelessly sensitive heart. Who am I if not the person who feels too much. Who believes too much. Who risks everything for the warmth of being close to you.

    There is nothing simple about it. It is reckless. It is heavy. It is tender enough to hurt. But in the breaking there is life. In the ache there is proof that I exist. And if I could only ever do one thing forever it would be this. To fall into you. To keep falling. To make the fall my home.

    Because without you I am only a body moving through time. With you I am a heart that remembers what it means to be alive. And that is why I will never stop. Not in this life. Not in any other. Always you. Always the fall. Always the smile that comes with it.

    -aaditya.

  • koi no yokan (恋の予感 – “The premonition of love”)


    Title: Koi no Yokan
    (恋の予感 – “The premonition of love”)

    The subtle sense, upon first meeting someone, that you will inevitably fall in love with them.

    There are certain nights that don’t end.
    Not in sleep.
    Not in silence.
    Not even in forgetting.

    I met her between two seconds. Not a full moment

    no, something briefer. Something before memory, before decision. The way a drop of ink might already know it’s meant to spill into a poem. That’s when I felt it: koi no yokan, not quite love, not yet, but the certainty that it will be.
    I think my heart bowed before I did.

    She didn’t say much. But it was the way she looked at empty chairs, as if they all remembered someone. The way she picked at coffee mugs like the rim held secrets. You don’t fall for people like her.
    You remember that you already did.

    I tried to fight it with logic, measured breaths, practiced detachment. But koi no yokan is a liar. It doesn’t scream. It doesn’t ask. It settles. Like smoke in a closed room. Like light through paper walls.
    And that night, I wasn’t breathing smoke, i was inhaling her inevitability.

    I don’t know her name.
    But I know I’ll love her.
    And in some ways, maybe I already do.
    That’s the cruelty of koi no yokan
    it’s not love.
    It’s worse.
    It’s the whisper before the scream.
    It’s the outline before the absence.
    It’s knowing the fire is coming, and warming your hands anyway.

    And if you ever feel it…
    You’ll understand.
    This wasn’t a meeting.
    It was a prophecy.

    aaditya

  • I tried to be my own muse for once. I couldn’t do it though. I can write her in a book, but can’t write myself in a word.

    Sometimes I stand in front of walls and beg them to echo, not because I want to hear anything back but because I want something to break that isn’t me. I pour ink in my coffee hoping it’ll taste like something truer than water and regret, but it only ever spills into silhouettes shaped like her laugh. I kept thinking if I shut my eyes tight enough, my mind would forget the self I became around her, but  the effort was only there on paper. 

    And so I tried, didn’t I? Tried to dress my own silence in metaphor, parade it around like look, here, here is poetry that doesn’t depend on the ghost of her shoulder. But every time I wrote “I,” it turned into something half-formed, half-felt, half-ashamed of its own self. My voice wore her perfume. My metaphors dragged her footsteps behind them. Even my empty lines had her breathing between them.

    I carved temples out of sentences and put mirrors where altars should be, thinking maybe if I saw myself blurry enough, I’d believe it was art. But no chorus followed. No thunder cracked. Just the quiet guilt of knowing I had always been a vessel for someone else’s wonder. She was symphony. I was scaffolding. Even my breaking wasn’t beautiful enough to draw blood from anyone but myself.

    I’m tired of writing her with reverence and myself with ellipses. Of pretending I can fill a page when all I’m doing is bleeding onto it hoping no one notices the shape is still hers. I made her immortal in metaphors. I buried myself between the margins. And when I tried to write a line about loving myself, it came out hollow.

    Once I held a mirror to my chest and asked it to name me. It cracked. Said I was too much reflection and too little presence. Said my heartbeat stuttered in paragraphs. Said I was living as the afterthought of a girl I couldn’t stop mythologizing. 

    I laughed. Told it I never learned how to hold a pen unless it was to paint her into someone worth reading.

    Maybe this is what it means to fail quietly. To want to be seen and only know how to make someone else visible. To want to be muse and artist and end up being neither; just an echo with semi-decent handwriting.

    I screamed into a void once and it whispered her name back. Not because it missed her, but because it didn’t know who else I could be.

    I tried to be my own muse once. But I only knew how to sculpt her out of my ruin. I can write her in a book. But I can’t even write myself in a word.

    aaditya.

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